Posted by: Trigger | 7 January, 2008

The water’s starting to feel pretty great.

I know I’ve been all “Mopey McMopes-alot” around these parts lately. Turns out, I’ve had to face some of my less than pleasant memories (alright, these memories suck) from this same time last year, when Z and I started our 6 month rollercoaster. And facing them? Not so fun. Makes me feel equal parts crazy and pissed off. It’s sort of what I imagine having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to be like – in my own, admittedly egotistical take on it, at least. New Year’s Day went so awry last year, that I sort of expected something to go seriously wrong this year. But it didn’t! And it was, instead, the exact opposite – amazing! This year, we even joked about it. (Z: “What DID we do for New Year’s last year?” Me: “Stayed in and ate Thai food and snuggled on the couch. Then broke up the next morning.” Z: “Oh yeah. How long did that breakup last? A day?” Together: Big hug. End scene.) And you know what? This past week, after the good New Year? Got even better! I mean, how did I get so lucky!?!!

So, in the spirit of moving forward and letting go of the past, I’ve been trying to mostly tackle that chaos that’s been residing in my head on my own. Z has been deliciously caring and supportive of me recently, probably because I got uber-pissed and I chewed him out for not being sensitive and caring enough to the tough time his Thanksgiving-era revelations drug up for me. These two things coupled together – being brave enough to face my fears and hurts, plus a boyfriend who is supporting me throughout (albeit silently, as there’s nothing really to discuss anymore) has helped me get to a really happy place.

So I’m thinking I need to quit the whiny emo shoe-gazing business, which strangely has been reserved solely for my blog. My audience is not so large that I feel like I’m writing for other people yet, thus this basically feels like an electronic journal. A fancy electronic journal, with a few very cool peeps who peek in and take a look, but I don’t feel like I have to “produce” per se. So I’ve been pouring out my less positive thoughts here, finding an outlet so that I can take my happier energy home with me after work, so that Z and I can just enjoy each other and appreciate the time we get to share.

If I can get allegorical for a second, lately I’ve been thinking about how right now, my life sort of feels reminiscent of showing up for lap swim at the pool. Of how you can stand on the edge of a pool before that morning workout, and stare at the glimmering aqua water and think “Gee, that looks so cold. I am freezing already, and man! My workout is going to suck when I’m in the middle of all that icy pool water.” And then you’re faced with two choices. You can turn around and skip your workout because you’re afraid of the chill; or, you can look at that cold water, think to yourself, “Well, it’s not getting any warmer, and I HAVE to get my work-out in to fix the post-holiday chubs that are muffin topping out of my favorite expensive jeans…” And so then: you jump in.

And yeah, it’s not comfortable at first, but when you’re in there swimming laps, and you feel your arms pull strongly and capably through the water, and your legs are kicking you powerfully toward the next flip turn, you eventually heat up from all the motions you’re going through. You get comfortable, and everything feels just great.

That’s what I feel like I’ve been faced with. I could have turned around at a couple of different points since Z and I had our Mulligan with each other. I could have said, “you know, that water looks entirely too freezing to jump into. I’m out of here.” But, for my various and sundry reasons (at least half of them being due to the fact that I am stubborn, and dammit – he should damn straight be pleading for me to take him back – I’ll show him what an awesome girlfriend I am…), I didn’t shy away from the water. I jumped in, and I feel like I’m just now getting to the point where the water’s not so cold, and I can just be myself and focus on getting in a great workout.

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Responses

  1. Okay. Your comparison? I LOVED it. By the way, I think allegory tends to refer to religious themes. But this was beautiful. And keep rocking out the e-journal. Write for yourself – not for anyone else.

  2. That’s awesome for you to refocus your energy and look at your life in a more positive way. Go you!

  3. I’ve been wah wah wah, too. I need to be more positive with you. Emo ain’t lookin good on us sister.

  4. What a great analogy. I’m a swimmer so the whole time I was ready I was like ‘yep! exactly! i get it!’ So yeah, I get it. 🙂 And what spunk said – keep rockin’ out the electronic journal. Sometimes it’s hard to not feel like you have to produce or post all the time and stuff, but really, that’s what blogs are for – writing whatever we want whenever want to. 🙂

  5. I like your fancy e-journal. It’s probably better to approach writing that way, than feeling like you have to produce (see KLC above).

  6. I’m glad to hear your water is feeling pretty good…hope I can find my own temperature. Thanks for your words of encouragement and I’m glad I found your blog! 🙂


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